Well, here I am, last weekend in Tam Ky. I'm excited to go home, I'm already making lists for what kind of food I want to devour once I get there
(smoked salmon on a bagel, nachos, something with stuffing, bbq, a familiar burger)
and I'm looking forward to the friends that I haven't seen in 2 months, sometimes more.
We are planning on stopping into the orphanages one more time. It's going to be weird saying goodbye. I mean, I did say my biggest goodbye to Hong a week and a half ago, but I still really loved the rest of the kids.
Our cooks are amazing too. I dont think I've talked about them enough. Grandma is quite traditional, she speaks hardly any english but can get her point across with a lkot of pointing and gentle laugh at the end. Her calm demeanor and sweet sniff kisses are enough to show us her personality. (Just yesterday she said Ba yeu Dani which mean grandma loves me!) You can't push Grandma around though, a little while ago, a man grabbed her chest at the beach and she punched him right in the face.
Mrs Haun is Grandma's daughter in law and stands about 4'8. She is trying very hard to learn english, and has gotten pretty good at it. We know that it's time to eat when we hear her bellow 'everybody!'Otherwise, it took a few daystounderstand her pidgon english, but after a few weeks I can communicate with her no problem. Her sentences are adorable, eg. Dani eat very small! you no like eat? (meaning why arent you eating very much, do you not like the food?)
I'm going to miss the two of them a lot.
At the same time, I miss my own grandmother, my friends and my family... I think I'm ready to go back.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A Quiet Sunday Afternoon. (not published till Friday Afternoon... oops)
Things have been pretty crazy around here recently. The older kids from the B.O. left on Thursday for Hoi An, just a few days after Hong left. This leaves the Baby Orphanage with a lot of crying mothers, 2 lonely children who will be adopted soon and a bunch of kids under the age of 5 (including 2 children who were seperated from their older siblings). The orphanage has changed from being my favorite place to go, to my least favorite of the orphanages.
We visited the Hoi An orphanage... and it's horrible. In one room there are 30 children with birth defects (most due to agent orange). It was a horrible sight, they were confined to their beds, some tied down, most of them werent wearing underwear. One child had a head that was larger than their body. I guess the swelling expanded it, but it looked like something out of a Sci Fi movie.
Some of our kids were doing better than others adjusting to the new orphanage. Kieu, thankfully was doing fine, a little quiet, but she's ok. I was thoroughly worried that she would be called autistic again and them send her somewhere away from her friends. But others, not so much. Lieu and Lan were very upset, crying asking Carrie to take her home, Diem wouldn't get out of her room and see us or eat the fruit we bought. She was scared to leave because a few days earlier, one of the mother's beat her with a stick. It was really hard for all of us, I dont think that a single one of us got through that day without crying.
I came back on Saturday, watched some movies with Rosie and just had a quiet night in, eating ice cream and mixing up some Tang. Rosie went to the Catholic Church in Tam Ky (she knows the traditions but not all the words in Vietnamese). So here I am, quiet afternoon, reading some comics and listening to 'Danielle's Faves' which I uploaded to the computer. It's not too bad.
We visited the Hoi An orphanage... and it's horrible. In one room there are 30 children with birth defects (most due to agent orange). It was a horrible sight, they were confined to their beds, some tied down, most of them werent wearing underwear. One child had a head that was larger than their body. I guess the swelling expanded it, but it looked like something out of a Sci Fi movie.
Some of our kids were doing better than others adjusting to the new orphanage. Kieu, thankfully was doing fine, a little quiet, but she's ok. I was thoroughly worried that she would be called autistic again and them send her somewhere away from her friends. But others, not so much. Lieu and Lan were very upset, crying asking Carrie to take her home, Diem wouldn't get out of her room and see us or eat the fruit we bought. She was scared to leave because a few days earlier, one of the mother's beat her with a stick. It was really hard for all of us, I dont think that a single one of us got through that day without crying.
I came back on Saturday, watched some movies with Rosie and just had a quiet night in, eating ice cream and mixing up some Tang. Rosie went to the Catholic Church in Tam Ky (she knows the traditions but not all the words in Vietnamese). So here I am, quiet afternoon, reading some comics and listening to 'Danielle's Faves' which I uploaded to the computer. It's not too bad.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Hong's Last Day
So apparently Ive been spelling her name wrong the whole time. It's "Hong" with some accents. Anyways, she left Monday afternoon with her new American Family. I got to play with her all morning (to see pictures, click here)
I was really sad when we left after our moning session and I thought it was my last time seeing her because she was supposed to leave that afternoon.
Thankfully when we arrived in the afternoon do give the kids a special meal(they are so malnourished sometimes we cook something huge to help out)she hadn't left yet. As we drove in, the van to take her away was sitting in the parking lot. We kinda blocked the van in, and I chatted with the parents for a bit. (chatted-uncasually with tears in my eyes).
They seemed really ok. The father kept telling me that he thought we were doing a good thing helping the children out, and the mother reassured me that Hong was going to a good place. They started asking me questions about her, which made me even more sad. Like, they don't even know her yet. They have no clue how wonderful she is. I told them how quiet and sweet she is, that she tends to shy away from other kids, doesn't speak english very well but is very excited to go to America. The father laughed and said 'we were worried about having to drag her away, but she walked right out and sat in the van'. She sat there with her bag in hand (she loves keeping things in bags) and blew me kisses and waved goodbye.
After the door closed, one of the kids ran up to me, book in hand, and was like 'mai mai' (they call me 'american' in vietnamese). Hong nearly left her book behind. I didn't sleep all Sunday night because I was so fidgety so I sat at the computer and printed pictures off of her, some friends, Carrie and I so that she would have some pictures of her time at the orphanage. Thankfully, they opened the door back up and Hong looked really excited to have her book back.
Well, she's off to a new place, new family, new everything. I'm excited for her, I know this is the best opportunity for her. I hope everything works out really well.
hug
I'm adding a link for the pics of our trip to Hue. Go back and take a look if you are interested.
I was really sad when we left after our moning session and I thought it was my last time seeing her because she was supposed to leave that afternoon.
Thankfully when we arrived in the afternoon do give the kids a special meal(they are so malnourished sometimes we cook something huge to help out)she hadn't left yet. As we drove in, the van to take her away was sitting in the parking lot. We kinda blocked the van in, and I chatted with the parents for a bit. (chatted-uncasually with tears in my eyes).
They seemed really ok. The father kept telling me that he thought we were doing a good thing helping the children out, and the mother reassured me that Hong was going to a good place. They started asking me questions about her, which made me even more sad. Like, they don't even know her yet. They have no clue how wonderful she is. I told them how quiet and sweet she is, that she tends to shy away from other kids, doesn't speak english very well but is very excited to go to America. The father laughed and said 'we were worried about having to drag her away, but she walked right out and sat in the van'. She sat there with her bag in hand (she loves keeping things in bags) and blew me kisses and waved goodbye.
After the door closed, one of the kids ran up to me, book in hand, and was like 'mai mai' (they call me 'american' in vietnamese). Hong nearly left her book behind. I didn't sleep all Sunday night because I was so fidgety so I sat at the computer and printed pictures off of her, some friends, Carrie and I so that she would have some pictures of her time at the orphanage. Thankfully, they opened the door back up and Hong looked really excited to have her book back.
Well, she's off to a new place, new family, new everything. I'm excited for her, I know this is the best opportunity for her. I hope everything works out really well.
hug
I'm adding a link for the pics of our trip to Hue. Go back and take a look if you are interested.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Decision is final....
She is leaving tomorrow.
Man this has been a rollercoaster for me. One little girl, I dont know why such a little girl makes such a big difference in my life. One, beautiful little 8 year old girl. Her American family is picking her up early tomorrow morning. You can tell she doesn't know what to think about it. She will miss her friends, (who are kinda jealous) but knows she has a crazy adventure in front of her.
I'm excited for her, I know I should be, but its so sudden. I wish I knew earlier, I'm trying to think of a goodbye present, or print off some pictures and stuff. I wish I had known earlier so I could have gotten real pictures printed off instead of crappy black and white ones.
I should be more excited for her. It's not about me, not about me, not about me. She's off to a place where she will get fed a ton more, and have a real little sister, and two parents to look after her. I just wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. I thought I was leaving first. I guess this is exactly what the kids go through every time one of us goes home, eh? We go, they stay...
Man this has been a rollercoaster for me. One little girl, I dont know why such a little girl makes such a big difference in my life. One, beautiful little 8 year old girl. Her American family is picking her up early tomorrow morning. You can tell she doesn't know what to think about it. She will miss her friends, (who are kinda jealous) but knows she has a crazy adventure in front of her.
I'm excited for her, I know I should be, but its so sudden. I wish I knew earlier, I'm trying to think of a goodbye present, or print off some pictures and stuff. I wish I had known earlier so I could have gotten real pictures printed off instead of crappy black and white ones.
I should be more excited for her. It's not about me, not about me, not about me. She's off to a place where she will get fed a ton more, and have a real little sister, and two parents to look after her. I just wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. I thought I was leaving first. I guess this is exactly what the kids go through every time one of us goes home, eh? We go, they stay...
Weekend in DaNang: Day 2
The parentals are requesting pictures.
I figured I would start everyone off with a picture of my future husband. His name is Chan, he works at Pizza Plus, he is twenty five, can do sign language, read and write in English AND Vietnamese. I think I count that as knowing three languages.
He is the funniest person that I have never heard speak.
Anyways, We went to Pizza Plus (a restaurant in DaNang which hires young people who are hearing impared, teaches them sign language and cooking/serving skills). Amazing place. This was my second time there, hanging out with Nga (a girl who used to live an orphanage we work at) and Chan, the beautiful waiter boy who entertained us all the last time we went. I love it there. The food is decent, but the atmosphere is beautiful. I don't know what else to say.
To see more pictures of my weekend, click here
P.S. No I'm not actually getting married, I am coming home in two weeks... don't worry dad, you are still my number 1. Happy Father's Day!!!!
Weekend in DaNang: Day 1
While all my Canadian friends went to Nha Trang, I spent the weekend with a few Australians (Carrie and Paul). We started off with a crazy bus ride and a woman threatening to kick us off unless we pay more than everyone else on the bus.
Our hotel didn't work out because they gave us two single beds for three people. I mean, I don't mind sharing a normal sized bed, but Carrie and I didn't feel like spooning that night. The front desk staff refused to give us a new room, or tell us where another hotel was close by.
We left, went to Tam's Bar (owned by a lady Paul already knew) and asked her for some help. This woman is amazing, she has taken in about 7 children into her home, owns a restaurant, and uses the profits to help people who live up in the mountains, buying them clean water and showing them how to farm. We asked her to help us find a new hotel where the three of us could stay. She stayed silent for a moment, (I got worried we were intruding) and she jumped up and left.
A few minutes later she said that she got us a nice room in a hotel just down the street. Done deal.
I met a 16 year old American boy who was adopted from Vietnam when he was 2 who worked at Tam's place and he told me he would take me out surfing the next day.
So I was up, (not so early) and out in my bathingsuit, tank top and ready to go. The board I used was huuuge (the little guy carried it for me) but apparently the bigger the board, the easier because it is more likely to catch a wave (or just float). So I paddled around for a while, learned how to stand up. The waves were really small so I didn't do anything impressive, but I went home after a few hours with a bit of a sun burn and a huge board burn on my stomach. Yeah, I'm that cool.
Our hotel didn't work out because they gave us two single beds for three people. I mean, I don't mind sharing a normal sized bed, but Carrie and I didn't feel like spooning that night. The front desk staff refused to give us a new room, or tell us where another hotel was close by.
We left, went to Tam's Bar (owned by a lady Paul already knew) and asked her for some help. This woman is amazing, she has taken in about 7 children into her home, owns a restaurant, and uses the profits to help people who live up in the mountains, buying them clean water and showing them how to farm. We asked her to help us find a new hotel where the three of us could stay. She stayed silent for a moment, (I got worried we were intruding) and she jumped up and left.
A few minutes later she said that she got us a nice room in a hotel just down the street. Done deal.
I met a 16 year old American boy who was adopted from Vietnam when he was 2 who worked at Tam's place and he told me he would take me out surfing the next day.
So I was up, (not so early) and out in my bathingsuit, tank top and ready to go. The board I used was huuuge (the little guy carried it for me) but apparently the bigger the board, the easier because it is more likely to catch a wave (or just float). So I paddled around for a while, learned how to stand up. The waves were really small so I didn't do anything impressive, but I went home after a few hours with a bit of a sun burn and a huge board burn on my stomach. Yeah, I'm that cool.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me she loves me not, SHE LOVES ME
I am really upset about the kids moving, but I had an awsome day with the kids so I wanted to write it in a seperate entry. Huong and I chilled out again today, she's getting better at not being jealous of the other kids that want to play with me too. Before, she would get mad at me, but now she's a bit better. She showed me pictures today of the American family who is adopting her. Her house is beautiful and they already have a younger Vietnamese girl to be her sister. Huong seems to think that I am from where her 'family' is from, (she calls me mai which means american). I do my best to correct her, saying my name is Dani, not American. Somedays it works. Anyways, she sat on my lap, showed me pictures of her mother, father, sister and house-to-be with a very excited look on her face.
Carrie (who speaks a little Vietnamese) asked Huong if she loves Co (teacher) pointing at me and Huong nodded her head enthusiastically. SHE LOVES ME!!! haha I think it's wonderful.
Also, one girl Phoung, was saying Co sao, Co sao which means 'teacher ugly, teacher ugly' and Huong replied 'Dani dep, Dani dep' (dep means beautiful). I love her soooo much. Sigh, getting attached to the kids was much too easy.
I'm glad she will be around for my last few weeks... it might make the other kids leaving a little little bit easier.
Update on the kids moving
This whole situation with the kids leaving soon has been very confusing for me. They were supposed to be gone on the first of June so I thought I did my goodbyes etc, but every day I showed up, the older kids were still there, at the Baby Orphanage.
Apparently they are now leaving in 5 days. I'm glad I had more time with them, but we are all a little upset about them going to a new place in Hoi An. Carrie and some of the other volunteers went and checkedthe place out... and it wasn't so good. They had 30 kids with different types of mental and physical disabilities all in one small room, tied to beds and stuff. I don't know what the rest of the facility is like (except it's huge) but I hope they will do alright there.
I'm scared for some of the kids because they are seperating from their best friends, family and especially one volunteer, Carrie. She loves the kids, has been here since September and they keep asking her if she is moving to Hoi An with them... which she can't.
From the sounds of things, Huong (my fave) is staying at the Baby Orphanage because she is getting adopted soon by an American family.
Kieu is leaving though. I couldn't believe they would do that to her. She is finally getting out of her shell, talking to me, hugging me, coming out to the common room to see the rest of the kids, and they are taking her away from her friends, and all the people she is comfortable with. She has a few little friends she will be leaving behind, and I just can't see such a drastic change being good for her again, she might go right back to how she was before: completely unresponsive.
Apparently they are now leaving in 5 days. I'm glad I had more time with them, but we are all a little upset about them going to a new place in Hoi An. Carrie and some of the other volunteers went and checkedthe place out... and it wasn't so good. They had 30 kids with different types of mental and physical disabilities all in one small room, tied to beds and stuff. I don't know what the rest of the facility is like (except it's huge) but I hope they will do alright there.
I'm scared for some of the kids because they are seperating from their best friends, family and especially one volunteer, Carrie. She loves the kids, has been here since September and they keep asking her if she is moving to Hoi An with them... which she can't.
From the sounds of things, Huong (my fave) is staying at the Baby Orphanage because she is getting adopted soon by an American family.
Kieu is leaving though. I couldn't believe they would do that to her. She is finally getting out of her shell, talking to me, hugging me, coming out to the common room to see the rest of the kids, and they are taking her away from her friends, and all the people she is comfortable with. She has a few little friends she will be leaving behind, and I just can't see such a drastic change being good for her again, she might go right back to how she was before: completely unresponsive.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Hue-y
Hue was beautiful, I really wasn't sure what to expect for the festival, but we sure had fun. We arrived on Friday and wandered around the town which was lit up beautifully and decorated all over. Large water lillies and horses were hanging from the street lights, but we couldn't find any kites! Apparently the kite part of the festival is no longer important, but it is still a celebration.
We drove for hours to get there, and went through a looooong tunnel straight through a mountain, it poured rain up through the mountains, but our driver is pretty cool and we arrived safely. We went into our hotel (2 stars) and were amazed with how gross it was. Now I usually travel with my family and they tend to get decent hotels... this was not. Under the bed has not been swept in years, there was water damage all over the walls, which smelled like mold, and there were cigarette burns in our sheets. We made the best of it by throwing our sheets in a corner, getting new ones from the front desk and hoped for no bed bugs.
We had a little mishap on our first night; we were following a map of the city and tried to go in to the square (where all the action was) through the first entrance we found. We were a little confused with the looks that the security guards in green uniforms were giving us but continued on. One guard put his hand up and commanded us to "STOP". Apparently we were trying to sneek in on the private communist party and they did not appreciate it at all. I was scared that we were going to get in big trouble, but we were just escorted out and directed towards the "citizen's" entrance.
We walked around for a while, saw some beautiful buildings, sat on some cannons, went home no problem.
The next day was beautiful, we went on a boat tour, stopped by an old "king'" tomb. (Quotations marks are there because it is quite possible it was a woman pretending to be a king, which I think is wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cooler) haha. We also went to a Buddhist meditation place which was really beautiful too.
Anyways, next weekend Da Nang?
We drove for hours to get there, and went through a looooong tunnel straight through a mountain, it poured rain up through the mountains, but our driver is pretty cool and we arrived safely. We went into our hotel (2 stars) and were amazed with how gross it was. Now I usually travel with my family and they tend to get decent hotels... this was not. Under the bed has not been swept in years, there was water damage all over the walls, which smelled like mold, and there were cigarette burns in our sheets. We made the best of it by throwing our sheets in a corner, getting new ones from the front desk and hoped for no bed bugs.
We had a little mishap on our first night; we were following a map of the city and tried to go in to the square (where all the action was) through the first entrance we found. We were a little confused with the looks that the security guards in green uniforms were giving us but continued on. One guard put his hand up and commanded us to "STOP". Apparently we were trying to sneek in on the private communist party and they did not appreciate it at all. I was scared that we were going to get in big trouble, but we were just escorted out and directed towards the "citizen's" entrance.
We walked around for a while, saw some beautiful buildings, sat on some cannons, went home no problem.
The next day was beautiful, we went on a boat tour, stopped by an old "king'" tomb. (Quotations marks are there because it is quite possible it was a woman pretending to be a king, which I think is wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cooler) haha. We also went to a Buddhist meditation place which was really beautiful too.
Anyways, next weekend Da Nang?
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Kites are fun
So I'm headoing off to Hue in a couple of hours. There is a Kite Festival that happens every two years and it is pretty huge. Singing, Dancing all over the city, I'm pretty excited to go.
This past week has been pretty awsome. The new volunteers are totally kickass and I'm enjoying getting to know them. Kieu is getting better day by day. (I'm trying not to get my hopes up though). Today she even met me in the common room. She's sitting on my lap, remembers our handshake after she's done a puzzle and gives me kisses. Today all of us girls hung out in the back room. Huong is starting to get along with the other girls better.
Today was halirous! We were all sitting around and one girl started waving her hand in front of her nose. I took a big whiff and found out that one of the girls totally farted! It stunk really badly so all the girls started waving their hands in front of their noses. After a second, Trinh hopped up and started wiggling her butt at us, claiming that it was totally her.
I laughed so hard I couldn't stop. I just couldnt. The girls were rolling on the floor, giggling and waving their hands in front of their noses.
I guess kids everywhere think farts are funny. International Humour.
This past week has been pretty awsome. The new volunteers are totally kickass and I'm enjoying getting to know them. Kieu is getting better day by day. (I'm trying not to get my hopes up though). Today she even met me in the common room. She's sitting on my lap, remembers our handshake after she's done a puzzle and gives me kisses. Today all of us girls hung out in the back room. Huong is starting to get along with the other girls better.
Today was halirous! We were all sitting around and one girl started waving her hand in front of her nose. I took a big whiff and found out that one of the girls totally farted! It stunk really badly so all the girls started waving their hands in front of their noses. After a second, Trinh hopped up and started wiggling her butt at us, claiming that it was totally her.
I laughed so hard I couldn't stop. I just couldnt. The girls were rolling on the floor, giggling and waving their hands in front of their noses.
I guess kids everywhere think farts are funny. International Humour.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
A Day out with the Home of Affection
I was super excited today when we were planning on taking the children from Home of Affection out for a day. They don't get a chance to get out of the orphanage often so it was pretty special. It took a while to get permission from the orphanage director but we were able to get permission for the kids to go to a mini amusement park, then a pool and eat out at a noodle house. The amusement park was fine, some sketchy rides, and a big fun room of balls. Then we went to the pool.
It's normal for the kids to not have real bathingsuits so we all swam in our shorts and t-shirts. From the beginning we figured out that the local kids might be a bit of a problem. Catrina started taking her dress off and some boys that were dropped off by their 'normal' families started pointing and laughing at her. I just hopped in with a tank top and a pair of board shorts and didnt really notice what was going on around me. It wasn't until they started picking on our cook's young teenage son neighbor's son (who is severely mentally challenged) that I figured out what kind of kids we were dealing with. I was at the other end of the pool and they started pushing him around, then pulled his swimming shorts and underwear down to his knees. He was so embarassed he just pulled them up and ran away.
I felt so horrible because I couldn't do anything about it. I shouted at the teenagers that did it, and glared at them but they just shrugged their shoulders because they didn't know what I was saying.
Later on in the deeper end, I was showing Linh how to swim. She's 14 years old, has really good english and is just a sweetie. While I was teaching her to swim the same boys were pointing and laughing because she couldn't swim yet, but I told her to ignore them. Then, one boy swam under the water, grabbed her feet, then came up above the water and started hitting her. I grabbed his arm and yelled 'Dun Lai' which means "STOP IT" but I guess my pronounciation was wrong or something and he waived his hands and shrugged his shoulders like he didn't understand.
I hate not being able to say anything to kids while they are being jerks. I know we have ignorant kids in Canada, but at least if they are being really rude or hurtful to someone, I can rip a piece out of them and tell them to stop. This time I just had to watch and talk gibberish to them while they laughed.
I looked at Linh and said "i have to get out of here" and hopped out of the pool. I told David that "I want to go home" and he drove me back to the GVN house so we could get ready for the Economic Zone a little earlier.
I'm still not over it. I wish that Linh had stood up for herself, it makes me wonder what kind of shit the kids go through when they are at school and if she really thinks that she doesn't deserve better than that because she doesn't have any parents?
I don't know... but it's really hard.
It's normal for the kids to not have real bathingsuits so we all swam in our shorts and t-shirts. From the beginning we figured out that the local kids might be a bit of a problem. Catrina started taking her dress off and some boys that were dropped off by their 'normal' families started pointing and laughing at her. I just hopped in with a tank top and a pair of board shorts and didnt really notice what was going on around me. It wasn't until they started picking on our cook's young teenage son neighbor's son (who is severely mentally challenged) that I figured out what kind of kids we were dealing with. I was at the other end of the pool and they started pushing him around, then pulled his swimming shorts and underwear down to his knees. He was so embarassed he just pulled them up and ran away.
I felt so horrible because I couldn't do anything about it. I shouted at the teenagers that did it, and glared at them but they just shrugged their shoulders because they didn't know what I was saying.
Later on in the deeper end, I was showing Linh how to swim. She's 14 years old, has really good english and is just a sweetie. While I was teaching her to swim the same boys were pointing and laughing because she couldn't swim yet, but I told her to ignore them. Then, one boy swam under the water, grabbed her feet, then came up above the water and started hitting her. I grabbed his arm and yelled 'Dun Lai' which means "STOP IT" but I guess my pronounciation was wrong or something and he waived his hands and shrugged his shoulders like he didn't understand.
I hate not being able to say anything to kids while they are being jerks. I know we have ignorant kids in Canada, but at least if they are being really rude or hurtful to someone, I can rip a piece out of them and tell them to stop. This time I just had to watch and talk gibberish to them while they laughed.
I looked at Linh and said "i have to get out of here" and hopped out of the pool. I told David that "I want to go home" and he drove me back to the GVN house so we could get ready for the Economic Zone a little earlier.
I'm still not over it. I wish that Linh had stood up for herself, it makes me wonder what kind of shit the kids go through when they are at school and if she really thinks that she doesn't deserve better than that because she doesn't have any parents?
I don't know... but it's really hard.
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